Oprah's 200 Men

OK ...there are so many emotions running through me right now that I can hardly get them out...hopefully this will be somewhat congruent and intelligible...

Today Oprah Winfrey-- who has long been outspoken and never hesitated to express her loathing for "predators"-- featured the stories of 200 Men that had been sexually molested as boys...

I certainly understand the pain and shame that many of these men expressed and my heart goes out to each of them...when you are sexually abused there is a change that takes place within you. With some it is more severe and profound that with others-- I have long grappled with what effect I had on my victim...since we were never given the opportunity to speak to each other after my arrest, I was never able to hear what he--that's right my victim was male--according to Oprah one in six males are molested-- anyway I will never know how he really felt. I only have other people's words and they were angry or self-interested people.

I would never discount the negative effects of abuse...I understand that some people do extremely horrible things...but that is true of many "abuses" that people inflict on one another....today we are hearing a lot about bulling...oh you say, how can you compare bullying to sexual abuse...well I can compare it because not only have I "abused" sexually, I have also been molested and I have been bullied.

Here's the thing...not every one's story is the same...Oprah- while I do believe helping these men to come forward and share their pain was productive for them and a huge step toward there healing--but you can always hear the venom in her voice whenever she talks about the "predator" or "molester." I just don't believe all "molestation" is the same. As a religious person I have to say what I did was sinful--but as sinful as it was it was still my very best attempt at the time to share the most intimate moment I possibly could with someone I loved more than life at that moment in time--I know I can hear all the therapists and self righteous among you cringing and cursing at me now...but it is true.

What gets me as all of you who criticize me can full well justify your on pet perversion...whatever it may be. You can easily forgive your friend who is an adulterer, its ok to sleep around, after all "what consenting partners do is up to them." A day or two before today's show Oprah had Ricky Martin on the show...now I am a Ricky Martin fan, I am also an Ellen fan and many other "gay" folks...I don't criticize other's life-choices...I figure if they are good with it and are willing to stand before their maker or deny he exists...that is their business and not mine...but just the same as I believe that my behavior was abhorrent primarily because it was against God's laws, I believe any sexual perversion is "sinful".

Now I can hear you psychobabble types crying "He's trying to Justify himself." Perhaps...but not anymore than you probably are and not every opinion that contradicts yours is wrong.

I just find it amazing that this country in particular is so willing to stoke the Salem witch fires all over again for all sex offenders and can be so lenient on the rest of the sexual perversion that permeated our society.

By continuing to preach as Oprah did today that all molesters have this calculated desire to inflict harm on children we are simply perpetuating the myth that fuels the fire of social isolation when what most molesters--at least I know I do--need inclusion. And who is Oprah to challenge this one young man who spoke of his abuse by his father, that his mother was not to be trusted with her grandchildren---come on...people male mistakes and this guy was taking precautions to insure that this kids would be safe when they had contact with his parents...He's now confronted his father...it is time to start the healing process...sure don't be a fool --yes this father definitely should be required to get counseling if he is going to be around the kids... the fear I heard was probably greater than the risk.

I have two children that I raised and did not abuse...I have a granddaughter that I love cuddle and nurture whenever I have the opportunity...I have no sexual attraction to little girls there is zero risk of an offense...but you couldn't convince Oprah of that. Long and short of what I am saying is that you cannot simply slap a label on all offenders, which Oprah proved today is more likely than not to be someone close to you...a father, a brother, a sister, an uncle, a grandfather, a trusted neighbor, a scout leader...not some stranger in a dark alley...so either you can be scared of and reject everyone or you can open up to everyone while measuring the among of trust that can legitimately be invested in an individual on a case by case individual basis...in reality your child is probably safer with a former molester---especially one that has received counseling than with 95% of the other folks you know. Far from the inflated figures that many so called experts will share with you, the real experts and almost 40 years of empirical data tell us that the true recidivism rate is roughly 5%.

Does abuse effect you -- absolutely-- but what is exactly is abuse--- the definition varies heavily...it can be as simple is sexual experimentation or as severe as the worst cases that consistently make the news...when I was around 5 I was at a family gathering and an older boy was there. He asked me to come outside with him and lay on the ground...he said he wanted to show me something and began to masturbate. He wanted me to feel him as he reached climax. Then he got up and left.... I didn't feel abused sexually...I wasn't horrified by his demonstration...but I was devastated by his leaving. When I was in third grade I wanted to go out for little league...all the boys did...when I got there I was dismayed to find that everyone except me already knew how to play. I fumbled the ball so many time in catch practice that I was teased mercilessly, I left the practice sobbing and never returned...when I was in junior high I decided to try football-- expected behavior for boys...when after a game I objected to staying for the senior high game, I was taunted and spit on by my peers...I remember wipe large chunks of hacker off my new windbreaker then walking to the bus where I sat alone in silent tears until by teammates returned and I could go home...

When I was 13 I woke up early one morning to find my Uncle performing oral sex on me. Embarrassed I pretended to still be asleep but ultimately broke away...he didn't want to stop...even after I had...we never spoke of it...by then I had developed feelings for boys myself and just sort of figured "what goes around comes around." At 18 I attend a concert of two young singers...they were 13 or 14...I was having fantasies about them.. I had taken an extremely expensive and I think not too direct taxi ride through the weaving streets of Cincinnati to the concert hall and didn't have much money to get back to the bus station--I had seen the group on local TV ...jumped on a bus and headed for Cincy on a whim...oh the foibles of youth. Anyway, after the concert I was having a hard time getting a cab out to my location...I think that perhaps what happened next might have been a set up but I ended up in some older guys car with the promise of a ride to the bus station...he convinced me that it was too late for the bus and that his house would be a better place to wait. There he insisted --- progressively that I get in his bed...there he too performed oral on me...I was awake this time and the turned over and went to sleep...I was approached two other times in my youth by older guys who wanted to go to bed with me but was able by then to "graciously" say no.

Did these experiences devastate me...No...I felt taken advantage of, especially by my uncle and the older men, but I never was freaked because I had been sexually compromised...I understand some people are...what had a bigger impact and truly was devastating for me was the peer rejection...

I say all of this again not to justify abuse but to simply say people so horrible things to one another...sometimes without really thinking about what the other person is feeling and many times they simply move on not aware or even caring about the damage that they left in their wake...all abuse is wrong, all of it can create craters of impact from which it can take a lifetime to heal. But we cannot and must not simply throw-away or eternally crucify the person responsible for the abuse....

As Tyler Perry stated on Oprah, forgiveness is the only real cure for the effects of abuse. We have got to learn to not only hold one another accountable, but to hold and heal and forgive one another as well. I believe in reconciliation therapy...I would give anything to hear my victim tell me how I impacted his life. For no matter what any one else says about it I did and do to this day love him...I flicked on a switch in his life that he was probably not ready to deal with, but I hope that that does not entirely discount the whole of the relationship. The pain I heard more than anything from these 200 men, was that the abuse was the entirety of the relationship, even the young man whose father abused him said that that was the only attention he got from his father...I believe that part of the reason that boys don't tell, is because there are conflicting emotions in many cases of abuse...abuse is rarely 100% about sex...emotional reasons can often comprise so much more of the experience. I believe part of me was trying to re-gain the acceptable of my peers that I had lost so many years ago. By being not only being accepted by a boy--near the age of my peers at the time of my rejection ---but also permitted to share an intimacy that no one else was able to share with him, I felt for that moment not only healed but whole.

I don't expect any one reading this to understand...but I would hope that at least you would explore the possibility within your own heart that inclusion is a far better approach to any problem than rejection. And if you are a Christian or any believer in a hereafter, I would suggest to you that now is the time for reconciliation...I can't imagine that any God that might exist or any sane follower of His or hers, could logically entertain the possibility of a heaven where engage in evasiveness for eternity...at some point I believe we will all be called on to confront one another...better now of our own free will than then by compulsion. I know I intend to be there and I assume you do too...Today is the day to heal...today is the day of inclusion.